It’s PND here, I have one of my deepest confessions to make and I would just like to take a moment to let you know what I’ve done and how I have made you feel since your little girl was born 3 months ago.
I’ve watched you for a while now, I admire your care-free, loving & spontaneous outlook on life, so much so I wanted to be a part of your perfect world but I knew you wouldn’t be ready for me. I had to wait until you were most vulnerable, until you gave birth, THAT was my one opportunity and I just had to take it.
I’ve led people to believe you were just sleep deprived, I think I even managed to convince you too. Until behind closed doors, you started to realise but you didn’t know where to turn. There were only so many angry episodes and tears you could cry before it would sink in.
I had got you.
I felt great satisfaction playing games with you. I should have been kinder and I should have let you win, at least once or twice but I just couldn’t help myself. The more I did it, the more reaction I got from you. I let you believe that you were crazy and you were better off alone so much so you began to isolate yourself which allowed me and you that extra bonding time I’ve been longing for. I know you enjoyed it too otherwise why would you keep me around? Cut contact with friends and family? Miss big events in your life? Push away the ones you love most to simply be alone with me?
I can see you trying to get shut of me at times but I’ll keep coming back. I see you when you break down and seek help from doctors, family, health visitors, counsellors and medication but I won’t give up on you, I’ll be there during your darkest hours.
I’ve successfully changed your way of thinking. I watch you break down when you believe your other half might leave you because; whats left of you now apart from a shell of the person you once were? You depend on him too much and require far too much reassurance, it’s not attractive nor are the heavy bags under your eyes or the jiggly bits you carry. Why would he want to spend time with someone who can’t hold back the tears when he could be with someone who can’t hold back that belly aching laughter that everyone craves?
Do you remember the saying behind every successful man is a successful woman?
Unfortunately darling, until you get your act together that won’t be you. You’re lucky to get dressed in a day let alone earn a decent living. How can he put up with you much longer if he is out working all day to come home to nothing but clutter, dirty nappies, an empty plate and YOU. God, the poor man will be better off elsewhere, do him a favour and leave him be.
Don’t bore your friends with it, they don’t need dragging down! It’s not fair to get in their way when they are doing as great as they are, you can’t be selfish like that. You’ll only feel more inadequate. Leave them be and admire them from a far. Plus, people will tell you they understand but how can they? Your thoughts are far too extreme. In someways I can imagine this is worse than your birth, your struggles aren’t visible like they were then and people can’t relate. I suppose it doesn’t make it easier when it’s so little spoken about, people will only think you are weak so keep it to yourself.
I will openly admit when I see you going to the doctors and talking to someone else that can help you, it hurts me. I know its selfish but it saddens me to see you have good days which is why I have to make my mark, make you remember me and come back bigger and stronger the next time. I try to fob you off and hope you’ll settle with feeling robotic, but that doesn’t please you either!
I understand why you try to keep busy, try to shut me out and keep me in the distance but it will only work for so long, I will catch up with you again. No wonder no one can keep up with you, you’re hot and you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no a bit like that song, you know the one i’m talking about don’t you? It’s so catchy.
Don’t feel sorry for yourself, there are so many women that would kill to be in your position. The babies that are lost and the babies that aren’t conceived, just be grateful for what you have, people would switch with you in a heartbeat. You have the most perfect little girl she has the biggest eyes, the most amazing lips and the CUTEST smile, not to mention just how happy she is. You are so lucky. I have to give you credit, you haven’t let me get in the way of your bonding despite how hard I try, you’re a tough cookie! But then again she is an absolute dream, so how could anyone not want to be around that?
Please don’t get shut of me yet, we’ve become so close and I’m not sure I’m ready to leave. I’m not sure how you would cope without me either. I’m sorry for the hurt i’ve put you through and all that I have robbed you of, but don’t worry it’s nothing personal, I’ll get at least 1 in 10 of you.
You might think you’re being brave telling people about me, it might help you feel better for a while and you might even hope it inspires others to speak out about what I do to them too, BUT do you really think you can beat me?
Goodbye, for now.