So, I’ve finally got my blogging mojo back!
I felt as if I had lost my way a little and in turn began to feel as if I was losing myself. How could I blog and preach to you guys when I wasn’t even in the right mindset myself? Or did my posts just not follow the pregnancy perfection portrayed by others?
But that is the beauty of it, how can something so raw be anything but? We only focus on the good because everything else is considered a failure, right? Nothing but the best for our latest Insta story because let’s face it you’d hate to lose followers. But we often forget the power of social media and the impact it has on others, I want to take the opportunity to show other people in a similar situation that it’s okay not to be okay, you’ll find beauty in your own strength.
I have finally found the courage to accept that pregnancy has by far been the hardest challenge I have ever faced, for several reasons and that doesn’t make me any less of a parent.
The start of my journey I was consumed by guilt, I felt guilty that I didn’t jump for joy the moment I discovered I was pregnant. I felt guilty every time someone congratulated me and I wasn’t beaming with the excitement I/they expected, I put so much pressure on myself that nothing no longer felt right. I felt guilty for being so reluctant to give up mine and my partners dream to travel the world and all that I’d miss out on.
Once the guilt of all that had settled, my body began to change. The worst was the stage where you’re looking bigger but not quite pregnant, just as if you’ve had a mid-life crisis, sat and sobbed your heart out after a bad break up consuming your body weight in ben & jerries, cookies and big macs. Thus, I began to pick apart my body bit by bit, I became insecure beyond belief I even suggested my partner to give up the gym too. If my body was changing, then why can’t his? Silly i know.
I was then diagnosed with Hyperemesis (severe morning sickness) and ended up in hospital tied to a drip. I began to think people would assume I was being soft, if I couldn’t handle pregnancy how could I possibly handle having a child? You become your own worst enemy.
I still had my final university exams to sit and dissertation to write which both my doctor and lecturers all advised I postponed until a later date. I was about to give up everything I had worked so hard for.
I also had no mortgage, no house and no car of my own, how on earth was I ever going to provide for my little girl?
Every time I felt I was turning a corner, something always seemed to throw me off track or someone would make another uncalled for judgemental comment and knock me down again.
But today, 35 weeks pregnant I look back and realise just how far I have come. I couldn’t be more excited for the arrival of our little girl and what the future holds, my relationship is the best it has ever been, I have never felt so confident in my own skin or more amazed by the female body and I will be as proud as punch, graduating in November (hopefully with my little girl in my arms) with a Human Nutrition BSc. On top of this, I have put my name on a house, qualified as a personal trainer and I am still training 4 times a week.
I am not writing this post to rant or in search of sympathy, I am writing this to show that there was a time when turning negatives to positives didn’t feel possible but gradually I’ve become more of a person I ever thought I could be and I pushed limits I never knew were possible. I guess if I had any advice for anyone in a similar situation, don’t be too hard on yourself and take each day as It comes. We can’t compare ourselves to others when we are all on different pages, be you and do you but most of all be proud of all that you are and all that you do, there are people that wouldn’t survive a day in your shoes.
My child will know that strength comes in many shapes and forms. She will see her parents work hard to achieve their goals and know the struggles they have faced and will continue to face. I am not afraid for her to see me fail as long as I try again.
She will know that to make dreams come true, she must chase them relentlessly and put in the effort it takes to overcome obstacles in her way. She will know that anything is truly possible if YOU make it possible and she oversees her own destiny.
She will learn by example and those examples will be set by me and her father.